No matter whether you’re a religious person or an atheist, everyone is familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. You might not know the chapter or verse by heart, but you’ve heard “Love is patient, love is kind”. It’s universal. Everyone has quoted it. Everyone has heard it. Your actual views on religion or Christianity don’t matter, because love exists despite.

For the longest time I had always been so insanely confused by those verses. I’ve been in relationships nearly the entire time with only a couple short breaks, but despite this I’ve never been in relationships where I have been loved. I thought it was normal to just be “with” someone even if they don’t love you. In truth, I had assumed that I wasn’t worthy of real love, so I got what I got and I should shut up and be content with whatever scraps I’m given. I guess I just sort of accepted that it wasn’t in the cards for me to have the kind of love I yearned for secretly.

In truth, my very poor decision making had a huge role to play in the absence of this sort of love from my life. I hopped into a relationship in high school because I never really had a lot of prospects that felt worthwhile, so the only prospect that was solid (worthwhile or not) gave me an excuse to cling to it. And so I wound up married in my twenties to someone who neither loved nor respected me. And it wasn’t that I was unworthy, so much as she wasn’t capable of that sort of love or respect of a partner. She masked her disdain for me in feminism and “being a strong female”.

Of course, the relationship after that cold marriage had caused me to ignore a steamer trunk of red flags for someone who love bombed me. It took me eight years to realize that the word “love” is nowhere to be found in the motivation for “love bombing”. If she loved me she wouldn’t threaten to cheat on me to get me to relent. If she loved me she wouldn’t lie to me constantly. Make no mistake, borderlines are not capable of that genuine love I sought so desperately. It was so toxic a situation that I honestly considered being single as the absolute best path forward for me as a person. I thought of myself as fully broken and unlovable in any true sense. So I decided to make the best of it and simply focus on being a single father to my kids the best that I could.

I was so tired of lies and bullshit from the first two relationships that were mostly lies and bullshit, that I apparently manifested in my life someone who felt similar to me. I have no idea how or why, but reflecting on our meeting brings so many questions about divine sparks and destiny that I can’t shrug it off easily. Or maybe Karma, even. I’ve never been the best human being, but I’ve grown older and wiser and realized that the energy you put out into the universe can come back to you, for better or worse. You can either cry about it and pity yourself as my exes would do, or you could change what energy you give back to the universe. Truly, I’ve had some incredible examples of what not to do in life, insofar that I’ve made my life better doing the opposite.

My wife is the light on which the cosmos ride. For the first time in my life I have the love I always wanted, and the person to love who deserves no less than all of my heart and adoration. The events in my life are not something I curse, nor are the people who have pummeled me into the shape that I am worth cursing- They have made me humble and introspective. They’ve given me the hardships needed to help me choose to be a better person. My history could be a dark tunnel at length, but the light at the end has made it all worth enduring and granted me license to embrace the love that has made it all worthwhile.

I love my wife. When I say those words I mean that I will always choose patience, kindness, humility, and honor. I will imbue my heart and all it’s domain with forgiveness. In my heart may there be no lie, but only truth to share with whom I share my love, selflessly and for ever after.