Before I met Amber I never expected to get married again. No joke, I really thought I’d just solo the rest of my life or just at most have a “life partner” that’s close but I’m not legally attached to, because it was a terrifying thought to be legally attached to pretty much anyone.
Then I met Amber, and she’s my life partner. She’s it. She’s my ride or die, and now she’s my wife.
I love you, my wife. More! ❤️
No matter whether you’re a religious person or an atheist, everyone is familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. You might not know the chapter or verse by heart, but you’ve heard “Love is patient, love is kind”. It’s universal. Everyone has quoted it. Everyone has heard it. Your actual views on religion or Christianity don’t matter, because love exists despite.
For the longest time I had always been so insanely confused by those verses. I’ve been in relationships nearly the entire time with only a couple short breaks, but despite this I’ve never been in relationships where I have been loved. I thought it was normal to just be “with” someone even if they don’t love you. In truth, I had assumed that I wasn’t worthy of real love, so I got what I got and I should shut up and be content with whatever scraps I’m given. I guess I just sort of accepted that it wasn’t in the cards for me to have the kind of love I yearned for secretly.
It’s Friday! WOOT. I have a new build plate and some glow in the dark ASA filament coming today, so I plan to dry the hell out of that filament tonight and give the new build plate a whirl with some weird prints. This should be pretty damn fun. I think I’ll replace the PETG I have in my AMS and re-dry it, since it’s giving me a bunch of heartburn with clogged nozzles and all sorts of bizarre failures that definitely seem related to soggy filament. I should also consider printing the rest of my AMS dessicant holders. I think I’ll probably do that this weekend as well.
My mental health is in a place of relative stability these days. It has definitely been hard fought. Major depression and anxiety have been major themes in my life since I started forming memories. I think I have the major depression handled pretty well these days. I’ve managed to curb it without relying on drugs that cause sexual dysfunction, so I consider that a major win. The anxiety I’ve figured out how to live with. The interesting thing about the anxiety, though, is that I can function pretty well despite it. Though simultaneously I see the anxiety reflected in my blood pressure. It never goes down. The medications I take struggle to tamper it down. I still have work to do there, but I think losing weight will also help somewhat. Though I know weight is not the primary driver of my blood pressure. Simply put, though, I cannot deal with anxiolytics anymore. They’re not as helpful as they could be and the detriments they cause outweigh the positives. So I deal with my anxiety in every way possible without exposing myself to the liability of benzos.
The world is going to hell in a handbasket because advertising is the largest business in the world and it’s dominated by “engagement”. The algorithm has determined that fury and strife are the biggest drivers of engagement and thusly push content that exploits this fact above all other content in order to put advertisers in front of your face.
We know this information already. The strange thing is that the populace doesn’t seem to give a shit. Almost like they enjoy the suffering. We live in wild times. Tech tyrants are eroding western democracy and nobody is sounding any alarm bell or fighting back in any way. We’re all just watching it happen. I dunno. I guess I can’t really think of any way to fight back myself.
To my wife,
Language is an inadequate medium to express the feelings in my heart for you. My life has changed immeasurably, irrevocably, in the most incredible ways since you’ve entered it. Since it’s impossible to explain with words, I’m going to have to spend the rest of our lives holding your hand, wrapping my arms around you, kissing you, cuddling you, holding you as physically close as possible to express how emotionally close I hold you. You are so beautiful, so intelligent, and are the warmest soul I have ever met. The love that fills your heart is the love that the world needs, and the love that I need. You are more adored than you may ever realize.
Well, this was unexpected. Seriously. I’ve been married before. I got married for the wrong reasons, largely because I had no idea what I really wanted out of a relationship. In hindsight, it makes a lot of sense. You try things while you’re alive and test them out, see if they’re the right fit for you. I was mostly okay with my ex wife while we were married, but honestly her personality was not at all compatible with mine. We clashed more often than not, and it didn’t take very long before the little trust we had built our relationship on had completely eroded to absolute distrust. The relationship after my ex wife was a nightmarish rebound. My last ex taught me about borderline personality disorder in the way that touching a stovetop teaches you about fire. I immediately did not trust her, but she pretended to be my “best friend”, and the illusion was really thin. I knew she was a predator from the start, so I always kept her at arm’s length. I even proposed to her when I had no intention of ever legally tying myself to her. I wouldn’t have even conceived a child with her had she not lied about being on birth control. Always lying, always decieving, always gaslighting to make herself look innocent instead of evil.
It’s always around this time I’m reminded of my mother’s unceremonious dumping of my status as her child. I’m reminded of her gatekeeping my family because she doesn’t want to be uncomfortable around me at family functions. I’m reminded of all of the things my son will miss because my mother is a petty and hateful person. It’s not the most comfortable time of year for me, but I’m in a far healthier mindset now than I ever have been.